Doing Hard Stuff

I realize my title doesn’t sound inspired, but bear with me, because I think I have something here.

Recently I have been struggling with the idea of having more intimacy with God. This is a goal of mine, and I feel like it’s something I’m on the cusp of. But I feel like the closer I get to this intimacy I’m longing for, the harder it is to do routine, normal things, like reading my Bible and praying. Granted, there’s the adjustment

coming back to EV and living in the dorms now, but I think it’s more than that.

My theory, which I spent some time ruminating on last night, is that the more you want of God, the more it requires of yourself. For example, you want to develop a gift of prophecy in your life? Look at the examples of the prophets in the Old Testament-you need to give a lot. You want more faith? Watch out for what God is going to ask of you, because Peter had to walk on water. Does your faith allow for that? Well, no, that’s why you’re asking for more…

For me, this makes me think of mountain climbing. Now, I am not athletic. I wish I was athletic. In my head, I am athletic. I have perfect balance, I never fall down, and I can run faster than Nike (think Greek mythology, not shoes). But in reality, I am not athletic. I do not have perfect balance. I fall down. A lot. And as far as running goes, I have exercise induced asthma and wheeze like an asthmatic basset hound when I run for more than a mile-not at all like the winged goddess of victory. 

Needless to say, mountain climbing for me is really, really, really (to the nth power) hard. And I hate it. I hate training for it. I hate climbing up the stupid mountain. I hate the sore legs and the dizziness and all of it. And, most irritatingly, I hate that I have yet to get to the top of an actual mountain (when not riding a horse with a wooden saddle, story for another time). So I train and train and train and never get to the top. 

Don’t be alarmed, folks. I haven’t lost my point yet.

I think a lot of us feel this way about intimacy with God. And by ‘a lot of people’ I mean me. Because I feel like I try and try but never really make the cut. I can never get that real intimacy with Him-I’m always almost there, but I never reach it.

The primary example of intimacy with God for us is Jesus. Seriously, I’m pretty sure you can’t go more than two pages in the gospels without reading some version of ‘Jesus stopped to pray.’ Or ‘Jesus was fasting.’ These two things, fasting and prayer, seem to me to be the two key things that lead to intimacy with the Lord. And, of course, those are also two things that basically kill me (spiritual-discipline wise).

I don’t want to exaggerate, but when I fast I feel like I’m dying. Literally, I get so hungry. I can’t focus on what I’m doing, I’m irritable, I feel like I’m a complete ogre. At the time, I’m generally so focused on not snapping at people that I don’t even remember I’m supposed to be praying, and by 6pm all I can think about-literally, ALL-is when I get to eat. It’s not a pretty sight. 

Luckily, this is a stage. Because when you get in the swing of things and you start regularly fasting, it quickly becomes something, if not pleasant, less death-like. And, amazingly, it really bears fruit. I feel like my prayers have so much more power when I have been regularly praying, and I see the hand of God so much more obviously in my life and in the lives of others.

Which brings me handily to my next point: prayer. I have to pray in the morning, because if I don’t, I spend the entire day telling myself it’s gonna happen, I’m gonna pray and, well, yeah it just never happens. So prayer for me involves getting my lazy butt out of bed at 5:30 in the morning. I am not saying this to brag; I’m saying this so that if I look tired you all know why. 

However, I have found two things to be true about prayer. One, that it is completely and totally necessary for my relationship with the Lord and two, that when I don’t pray, I can feel it. Not that I’m a perfect person when I pray-I’m very sure I’m never perfect-but I can feel the Lord at work in me in a more tangible way when I pray. 

I don’t know about you guys, but intimacy with the Lord is something that my whole soul longs for. I haven’t reached it yet, but I keep striving for it, because I know it is something worth attaining. Hence, all the prayer and the fasting even though I feel like I’m dying. And if that’s not encouragement for you guys, I don’t know what is.