The Battle for Alejandra

If you had asked me three months ago what I thought about Ale, I would have told you that she’s a sweet, friendly girl, with a stubborn streak and a strong sense of justice.

If you had asked me three weeks ago what I thought about Ale, I would have politely asked you to change to subject because I couldn’t think of anything positive to say.

What brought this on, you may ask? What caused me to alter my opinion so rapidly and drastically? Let me tell you all about our battle for Ale.

Ale and her sister, Ada, arrived at Esperanza Viva last May. With their stepfather in jail, Ale’s mother was having trouble finding help taking care of her five children, and the girls were being neglected. From the start, Ale adjusted well to life in the orphanage and made new friends easily. She is a smart and friendly girl, and loves to help others. She seemed like a dream child.

Then the real Ale started to show up.

It started with little things, like telling the supervisors, “You’re not listening to me. I said it happened like this,” or refusing to do something that she thought wasn’t fair. “That’s not fair” became Ale’s watchwords. Having to do chores? Not fair. Studying for school? Not fair. Being grounded from playing on the playground for not doing the aforementioned tasks? Definitely not fair!

The parenting books I’ve read assure me that this kind of behavior is not unusual, but still, I have to wonder how other people deal with strong-willed children. The strength of her reactions to the smallest things made me doubt my authority to come against her, and sometimes even made my doubt that I was right to correct her. Honestly, I didn’t want to correct her at all, because every little comment became a battle. Soon Ale began having screaming temper-tantrums that led me to wonder what had happened to that sweet, friendly girl that had first arrived at Esperanza Viva not so long ago?

I think it must be very easy to start to doubt your ability as a parent in times like this. Doubt that you’re handling situations correctly, and doubt your own ability to have the consistency you know you have to have to combat them. Frankly, it’s exhausting, having to be prepared to battle all the time. But you have to keep going at it, head on, again and again, or the change will never come and you’re dooming your poor child to a life of being the way they are-be is stubborn, ignorant, lazy, indulgent or any other inadmirable mixture thereof-or worse.

Our solution was to take away Ale’s privileges until she began to behave herself, to teach her that regardless of what may have happened in the past, here it was NOT okay to scream at, lash out at, throw temper-tantrums at, or answer back to, your authorities. We spent a lot of time with her, explaining why she was being punished; why we were asking her to do the things we were asking, and why all of this was a good thing. It took months for her behavior to calm down. Months. Months of daily skirmishes over disorganized clothing and appropriate tone of voice. And now that things have calmed down, I feel like we’re finally getting to see the real Ale.

She is not the girl that she was when she first arrived here. That girl was scared, and was seeking a way to be accepted in a foreign place with strangers. When Ale finally relaxed and began to behave in the way she was accustomed, it became evident that her behavior needed to be corrected in many areas. And now that she has learned to behave, and understands why she should behave that way, Ale is morphing into an intelligent, helpful girl who goes out of her way to help others. Although her temper occasionally still gets the best of her, Ale understands that she needs to control herself and apologizes when she doesn’t. She no longer thinks her opinion is the only one that matters, and has really begun to think about the thoughts and feelings of others. Her strong sense of justice and fairness has begun to work on her behalf as she goes out of her way to include everyone in her games, not just her friends. Ale is a charming little girl, and someone who will change the world one day-just wait and see.

I think what I’ve learned the most from Ale’s growing pains is that everything worthwhile takes time. As I tell every group that comes through Esperanza Viva in my Sponsorship Talks, none of these kids are here because their coming from a happy home. Even our most well adjusted, happiest children often times are coming out of situations wrought with pain, emotional trauma and many times, abuse. And while it’s difficult-so, so difficult-to be the positive source of discipline that they’ve probably never had in their lives, the end result is so, so worth it.

And for all of you parents out there who have nine and ten year old girls, I sympathize. 

Parenting should come with a 

caution label.